I’ve had a lingering relationship with death and it haunts me in my every waking moment. It’s something that has plagued my thoughts and emotions, and has set me up for inevitable breakdowns in countless situations. This thought process eventuated approximately two years ago, I had been suffering from pretty extreme anxiety attacks, in between, excessive bouts with depression. After many years of enduring this double edged sword it took it’s toll.
After a good/positive days work I was sitting in my office going through emails, when suddenly I felt my heart start to increase in pace. It was such a strange/unfamiliar sensation and no matter what I tried to do to stop it, it seemed to worsen. My heart honestly felt like it was going to explode or at least break one of my ribs. The dizziness took over and I collapsed to the floor. Being such a foreign feeling, I was convinced that I was having a heart attack.
My life flashed before my eyes and I was certain I was going to die then and there. I would love to say that I immediately thought of my loved ones and all things one is supposed to think before they die, but the only feeling I had was an intense fear of losing myself and my place in the world (it was not a time for rational thinking). I frantically drove to the hospital (something completely out of character for me), arrived at emergency and stayed there until I got the all clear around 6 hours later. I soon learnt that I had experienced a severe panic attack and that they are quite common.
I was hoping to have a life changing experience, like the ones you read and hear about. You know the whole ‘new lease of life thing’, but unfortunately this did not eventuate at all. This fear for ‘loss of self’ has attached to my existing anxiety aliment and it has been extremely challenging to shake.
At one stage, my disorder got so bad, that I couldn’t even drive past an ambulance, without getting an intense fear which always lead to complete physical debilitation. It eventually got to the stage where I couldn’t handle anyone talking about death in my presence.
This incident lead to a disorder called ‘Thanatophobia’ a phobia related to the fear of death/dying. It is extremely difficult to live with, as I am not religious nor have any faith any one great power. I wouldn’t call myself an atheist, because I have a genuine interest in religion and I think it is very real to the people practise it, it’s just not in tune with my personal legend. My beliefs have lead to a genuine fear of the unknown, loss of control and loss of self. This phobia is now the root of my anxiety disorder.
A simple cure would be to change my core beliefs, but it’s not that simple. My belief is that no-one truly has an answer to my intrigue. Many people have offered solutions and advice, but unfortunately they come from a place of love and ill experience rather than genuine truth. My theory is, unless a person experiences death, no-one truly understands or has any/all the answers. I have since engaged in activities that have helped me reach a better plane, but shaking the phobia entirely is so difficult.
Since discussing my phobia, I have met so many people that have a similar mindset and it is more common than people think. Like many aliments, I think it’s healthy to talk about it and have society understand that it real and not just a crazy ideology.
I have spent so much time trying to ignore and avoid the subject of death, and now I’m ready to confront it and encourage others to talk about it. I have decided to put together a film to explore others thoughts on death and why they carry intense fears related to it. The intention is to create a heightened sense of community and understanding.
So, why are you afraid of dying? (contact me Shayne@eightytwothieves.com)