A little while back I found myself spending most of my time writing about and trying to understand this thing they called ‘mental illness’. I would write about my own perspective and perception of others’ experiences. It has always interested me, as this ‘title’ is something that I have to live with and wear each day of my life. Both my parents have been diagnosed with depression, it dates back to my grandparents, even my great grandma willingly crossed over at her own hands. Many of the conversations with my family all illustrate a legacy of sadness that has been passed down through our immediate generations (at least all that I know of). As the chain continues, I’m deeply intrigued to explore my own path in a different way.
It has taken me a long time to learn to drop name stamps like ‘mental illness’, ‘depression’, ‘anxiety’ and all the titles we seem to have to crowd under. We earn these titles from being ‘different’, ‘weird’, ‘crazy’ as the titles keep rolling in, our society is busy being segregated from some of the smartest, loving, inspiring and spiritual people in existence.
The basic truth is… we have built a society based on rules that promote the ideals of sameness. Go to school, get a suitable job, be seen to work hard, make the ‘right’ friends, find a partner that everyone likes (and marry them), have ‘normal’ children, talk about things your peers are comfortable with, dress appropriately, speak appropriately, make money, look beautiful and most importantly be happy! I mean, holy shit, did we set ourselves up to fail or what?
What if our schooling system wasn’t equipped to teach you and tried to condition you into the person you weren’t meant to be? What if you worked for a series of employers (because, you never want to be seen out of work!) that cared so much about themselves and so little about you, but they expect you to bring your A-Game everyday? What if your friends were also lost in the same passages as you? What if you fell in love with more than one of them, because you have a deep understanding of eachother? What if you didn’t marry and had a transgender child to a person that wasn’t your partner? And what if you loved to tell everyone about how proud you are of your child? What if your child dressed they wanted to and you did they same, just because… why should you care? What if you swore all the time, but your messages were pure? What if you didn’t value money? What if you are overweight and wore hurt everyday? Would you be happy? I mean… why not? It’s scary, but unfortunately you all know the ‘right’ answer.
We are taught that we must be ‘happy’, but happiness comes with rules. We are taught that we should only be happy if people agree with our happiness. We are constantly judged, from the moment we step foot outside our front doors, or release any feeling or emotion into a public forum. People have their opinions and they wont let go of them, until you tap into something that connects with them (and most of the time that never happens). If you don’t tap in with that communal connection, you are an outcast and are subject to parade your ‘titles’ as given.
We are also taught that a joyful emotion is the only good one and if we are on the other end of the spectrum, we need professional help. If I’m not happy why can’t I explore the beauty in that? Why is that so wrong? What if you are conditioned to think differently, what is the harm in that? Why is that so dangerous? Isn’t the idea of looking at life from all angles a true education and enlightenment? What if that darkness that we are conditioned to fear, held the truth to ourselves?
In my darkest times, I feel like I’m standing in a long corridor filled with doors that I have been conditioned to keep locked and the door at the end, is the only one I’m allowed to walk through. But what if I imagined what was behind each door first? And what if that imagination was my reality? Then maybe those locks were not there in the first place.
Acceptance and interest in everything is the key to our short existence. Experience as much as you can while you are here.