This is a tough battle, it’s a tough experience and it is also tough to be honest about it. Everyday I’d like to feel I’m getting stronger and the journey is worth it, but the dark times are very hard to bear. In the past, I have been quite a modest person and communicating to people at my low points is such a torturous task. So many things plague my mind and every time I start to talk about it, I feel morose. A person that cannot fathom the depths of depression, can’t really mentally unravel the true torment of the disease. As I've stated in my earlier posts, my interpretation of deep depression does not reflect feelings of sadness, it is more a state of numbness, a connection to nothing and nobody. It seems to be a futile task to seek help, when you have no means to connect with it. This leads me to the extremely difficult and complex subject of suicide or suicidal tendencies. Throughout my life I constantly hear people speaking ill of others that either commit or speak of committing suicide. First of all, I do not condone suicide as the sole answer to deep despair, but I certainly understand the state of mind that leads people to that dark hopeless place. Suicidal thoughts and feelings never come from self-pity or selfishness and the league of people who spread this mistruth, only close doors to the sufferers. I believe in many cases it comes from despondency with the rest of the world and the feeling that no connection can ever be obtained or maintained. This is a wild thought process and it can drive a seemingly normal person to a state of melancholy.
I have many friends that suffer deep depression and quite a few that have ended their existence (but not their legacy). Like many, I wish I had the chance to speak to them and tell them I understand how they feel even though different circumstances have lead us to our common ground.
Everyday I feel like I’m gripping a double-edged sword, one side depression and the other anxiety/panic disorder. One side is the comfort of death and the other terrified of the thought entering my mind. I know my journey is important, but it really pains me to live like this.
A few weeks ago I decided to change the momentum. I decided to face my depression and anxiety head on. With baby steps I feel like I am making progress. I understand that I am going to feel really horrible sometimes, but I know it always passes; even when it feels like it will never pass. Everyday I am training my mind and I have just started an exercise and reading regime, lets just say things are looking good for now.
A friend of mine once said, that he lives his life trying to gain/earn opportunities for the friends who were not awarded the same chance, to aim for the aimless, I always liked that idea.