JOURNAL — JOHNNY BRIXTON

Today is ‘World Mental Health Day’. It is an important time to acknowledge the boundaries that societal constructs have placed on many people who live with mental health issues. The idea of struggling with emotional intelligence and self-communication is truly terrifying; especially when others cannot comprehend it. I feel like I have learnt so much about mental health over the years, but I feel I haven’t even scraped the surface of my own personal intuition. It’s scary but also an opportunity for self-education. A better understanding of my strengths, weaknesses and the array of experiences I participate in everyday. Many of my friends suffer from battles with their own mental health and I feel like we are slowly learning together. It’s a gradual laborious process, as the steps forward are very difficult to recognise, even when achieved.

This year was one of the most challenging for me. It was a circle of constant suicidal ideation, anxiety and disconnection with pretty much everything… all while trying to paint the picture of being ‘OK’. I’ve been lucky enough to have good people in my life, who see through my bullshit. They’ve been the cornerstones, even when I wasn’t willing to support myself. Times have been hard, some days are good, and others are not so good.

My truth is, it’s been so difficult to see through each day. Every morning I go through a crisis shutdown. I can go from zero to a hundred in a matter of minutes. It really sucks. I think it’s a result of many past traumas, but more so a lack of understanding of how to deal with the scars they have left. The scars are diagnosed as catatonic depression and anxiety, but I call them emptiness and detachment with a hint of erraticism.

I don’t think I have a bad life, I feel like I am an extremely privileged person, I have an amazing wife, I have good friends, my employment positions are rewarding, I have everything I need to make my art; but this feeling of deep sadness and lack of self worth is plaguing. The worst part is the guilt; the feeling of being a burden to everyone (even when they say I’m not). This leads to extreme loneliness and dissociation with many people. I’m not proud of this.

I spent years running away from who I was and how I came to be; now I’m facing my demons and it’s fucking hard, but not impossible. These years have taught me strength and resilience, even though it often felt like weakness and unrelenting pain. But, I’m still standing, I’m still here, every night I shut my eyes, is another victory.

These pains have taught me to embrace the good times with a sense of passion and use the energy gifted from the bad times, to create things that I’m proud of. I feel like photography has allowed me to explore who I am. It’s the one thing that I’ll do, no matter how shit I feel. I think it’s important to seek passion, no matter how long it takes to find it. It makes the days better and purposeful. I don’t have all the answers, but I think it’s a good start.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, the step forward is talking, understanding and most of all making it OK to think differently.

It’s important that we are all here to learn through every experience. We all have struggles; it’s important to be compassionate towards each other, learn from our differences, we might save some lives.

This picture was taken when driving down one of the most beautiful roads I have ever seen. It's called The Natchez Trace Parkway and it runs through the heart of Mississippi.